The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
