I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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