I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Randomize
