In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
