I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I deserve this hangover.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
