her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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