my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Randomize
