I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
