I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
FUCK WHALES
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
