I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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