Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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