When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
