I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
