first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
