coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
