the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
