only if we run a train.
done.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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