so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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