i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
