so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
