Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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