I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
