Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
