I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
