The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
