My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Thank you for not boning my boss.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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