i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
