I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
