You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
