I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
