Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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