a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
