I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
