walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Randomize
