Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
