Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
