The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
