I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
How drunk are you?
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