i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
