I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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