We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
