All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
