at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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