Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
