I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
