He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
