Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
