You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
