My cat gives me a boner
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
