Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize