he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
3 2 1 whiskey
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
