Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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