I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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