You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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