I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
